Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Take that Moon and Shove It!

After a late night (more on that later) I arrive home to a quiet house. Hubby's almost asleep and the pups have been out and are bedded. I, however am as stiff as a two-year-old Twizzler. I lay in bed and look at the ceiling. I finally drift off to sleep...


I look at the clock. It's 4:30 a.m. Didn't I just close my eyes? Damn. I hop out of bed. (Did you just believe that statement? Did you? The last time I "hopped" anywhere I was 5.) Okay, honesty if you must, I crawled out of bed, down onto my knees, and felt around for my glasses that had fallen or been pushed onto the floor by a roving cat. (I'm pretty blind without my glasses. If you stand three feet in front of me and I know what you're wearing and you talk to me, I'll probably figure out who you are. Otherwise, clueless...) Then I rise, like the dead, and find my shoes. The pups have been quiet since they first heard me fall out of bed (did I say "fall" - I'm sure I said "crawled"... much more graceful...). They know the routine. Once they hear me start moving, it's only a matter of time before I'll be coming after them.

I do just that. Into the bathroom, grab the little one to carry her outside so they don't get too distracted playing 'tag' around the sofa before they can get outside to do their business. Out we go. Oh, GEEZ...it's almost COLD this morning! Why didn't I grab my sweater? I'm standing out here shivering in shorty p.j.'s watching a couple of skunks run around the yard. (That's what Hubby says they look like since they're black and white. Not real skunks, you understand. Not that we haven't HAD skunks before - we do live in the country - this is just Hubby's attempt at humor.)

Now we play the "time to go in the house" game. Frank has learned it pretty well. I say, "Time to go inside" and he responds by running up to the door and waiting to be let in, or at least runs to my feet and waits for me to start walking back to the house so he can follow me and try and trip me. (I don't think he means to, he's just klutzy that way.) Frieda however, has a stubborn streak. Hubby says it's because she's female. I like to think it's because she's independent and has a mind of her own. Either way, at the 'butt-crack of dawn' it isn't a fun thing. She'll come within two feet of me, then run away. Or, she'll come within two feet of me, annoy the hell out of Frank and run away with him chasing her. Yep. Now we have two wild shih tzus on the loose again!

I've found over the past few months that all the yelling, "clicking", "smooching sounds", treats, and begging in the world won't make a difference to them when they are in 'wild dog' mode. Only one thing works. Growling and barking. You heard me. I have to growl at them and/or bark at them. They come like they're on fire. Frieda begs to be picked up. Frank runs for the door. I haven't got a clue what I've just said to them, but whatever it is, it works.

Hubby thinks it's hilarious. Especially when he thinks about the neighbors... "Jesus God, Mary...there's that crazy Smith lady barkin' again! What the hell gets into her? Is she howlin' at the moon? There IS a full moon...! I'm keepin' my gun loaded iffin she ever gets in the mood to come 'round here. I wonder what her husband does on nights like this? How does he stand her?"


So, we're back in the house. The lights are off. The pups have been put back to bed with water, treats, chewy treats, and blankies. I slip off my shoes. I take off my glasses. I lay back in bed. I'm cold, so I cover myself up to the neck with blankets and comforter. I start telling myself to relaaax...start with the toes...the feet...the ankles...UGH! Uh, hi, Welling.ton. My morning 'greeter' is here. All 16 pounds of furball have settle in across my tummy. He's making biscuits with his front paws, but he's laying down, so they aren't as disruptive as usual. His motor is running - loudly. This is nice. A warm, purring body...It helps me to relax. Here we go again. Start with the toes...the feet...the ankles...the calves...


WTF? Aw, c'mon guys! Go back to sleep! Don't wake up Hubby!


DAMN. I throw back the covers, shoving Welling.ton to the foot of the bed, grumbling. (yeah, both him AND me). I trip over to the door, putting on my glasses as I go.

"BE QUIET!!" I hiss loudly. You know, when you are trying to get your point across, but be quiet about it? Yeah, that's it. "BE QUIET!!" . Two smiling pups sit and look at me with wide-eyed amusement, tails wagging. I can tell this is going to be a joke to them. "YOU BE QUIET!!" Of course, emphasizing the YOU in case they may be confused that I am talking to some invisible entity hiding in the bathroom. I close the door, blood pressure now skyrocketing. I listen. Hubby's still silent. All must be well.

Let's try this one more time. Settle in bed. Glasses off. Cat on. Purring. Relax. Relax. Relax.

Hubby starts to snore.

So, how was YOUR morning?