Thursday, June 08, 2006

Anti-Social Is My Middle Name

Okay, not really, but it should be.

What is wrong with me? I enjoy reading your blogs and hearing about your lives. I love seeing pictures of your children, pets, friends, houses, yards, gardens, and events. I find amusement in your tales of travel and work and relationships. I chat endlessly with other WoW players on the computer and know lots of things about their lives, families and favorite flavors. I see people in my life that I know many intimate things about - sometimes too much. I have co-workers that confide in me and people who inspire me or drive me to rage.

In reality, there are only a handful of people I really love and can tolerate. My husband. How he puts up with me is a mystery that no one will figure out until the end of days. My kids. They are the best people on earth. Yes, I'm probably biased. No, I don't care if you think so. These are the people who I can truly relax with and be myself. If I walk out of the bedroom without showering, putting on makeup or combing my hair (for three days), they will still hug me and tell me they love me. They make me laugh. They sometimes make me cry. They make me think. They expose my limited world to new possibilities and give me hope for the future.

What can I say? The rest of the world is a problem. I can function. I can speak when spoken to. I can sometimes even start up the conversation. I can be curious to meet someone I've never met before. I can find interest in their life. But am I having fun? Not really. I'm nervous. I'm stressed. My outward appearance may be calm, but my inner self is in turmoil. My stomach is roiling with the acids of fear. My brain is going a million miles a minute bouncing from one topic to another trying each of them out in "practice" questions that never make it past my lips. I people watch, but try not to let them catch me watching. I'm the queen of the short answer. "Fine" ... "Good"... "Doing well"... without elaboration. The medications? Not helping as far as I can tell. Is this something new? God, no. I've been this way since I can remember.

It's a wonder I have any contact with human beings at all.