Down In The Dumps

It's been a helluva week. I say that conservatively. After being ever-so-tired for several days, I finally succumbed to the dreaded sickness. Not really a defined illness, such as influenza, the common cold, the heartbreak of psoriasis (you get the picture). Just the all encompassing 'sick'.

I even woke up yesterday with a fever. An honest-to-god fever. No longer is this all in my head! Yippee! ...or, maybe it's just become mind over matter.

Depending on how you look at it, being sick isn't any fun.I know I shouldn't complain about small bouts of fever, lue, headaches, when there are people all over the world with real and debilitating illness. Who am I to complain about petty aches and pains?

Part of it comes from my own guilt in the process. Yes, guilt. I don't take care of myself. Therefore, I feel I usually am bringing this down on my own head.

Diagnosed several years ago with diabetes (type II), I have had a constant struggle between being "good" and total denial.

For awhile I took the medicines, checked my blood sugar, did everything right. Nothing changed except I became depressed. I then went through a phase where I took the meds, but went back to blissful ignorance when it came to what my readings were or what I ate. I just didn't care.

About three years ago I decided I was tired of being tired, tired of living in denial. Went to my doctor and confessed my sins. Got all fixed up with new meds, a new diatician, had a full checkup, pap, mammogram, you-name-it-I-did-it. Lost about 50 lbs. and was feeling pretty good.

Then came Acapulco. You have to understand something about me. My parents, for all intents and purposes, are alcoholics. This means I rarely drink. However, I'm a Pepsi addict. No lo-cal version, but the 100% chock-full-o-sugar variety. I'd given it up for about two years while my "being good" phase was on, but when my DH and I went to Acapulco for 10 days, that was my Big Lapse.

Flash forward three months after the trip. I'm still on meds, but running out. I have to face my doctor to get more. I'm still consuming Pepsi at an alarming rate. I'm not checking my blood sugar - I know it's high. I'm fucked.

Skip doctor appointment. Look at i-net to see if I can buy meds online. Not even in Canada without a perscription. I'm stumped. How do all the junkies do it? I can't even get legitamate meds that I need! Wishing I'd taken my chances in Mexico and gotten stocked up. Stupid.

It's been over a year since the trip. I take no drugs, I don't check my sugars, I eat and drink without checking a single label. I'm still fucked.

I know I could go blind, have a stroke, need limbs amputated. I know these things and they frighten me... and yet... I am like that junkie, craving the sugar high.

Denial + depression = making myself sick

Need to get it together one of these days before it's too late.